How to Have the Best Cheeseburger of Your Life

A cheeseburger is a tasty cow meat sandwich made on puffy bread called buns.  Cheeseburgers come served with fries or chips, or with a salad for those who enjoy a mixed message.  American restaurants are required to sell cheeseburgers, so they are available everywhere.

It’s pretty challenging to mess up the construction of a cheeseburger, as a result, most of the ones you can find are decent.  But a good cheeseburger will really turn your day around.

What follows is a set of guidelines to have the best cheeseburger of your life.  We hope our tips will save you effort and money.

Best Cheeseburger Instructions

You probably expected the first step to be about ingredients, e.g., the overriding importance of Kobe beef, and artisanal cave cheese, and free range ketchup.  And you’re right of course, those things are important.  But if you take the ingredients route, the best cheeseburger of your life could wind up costing you north of $80.  How you spend your money is your business, but we’ve discovered a better way.

1. The actual first step is to get your mind right.

The expectation that anything in your life could be the best possible iteration of that thing is a nasty trap to fall into.  If you enjoy experiences such as happiness or relaxation, you might want to stop comparing things to other things.

For example, if your friends are arguing about the difference between octopuses and squids, and it’s getting heated, it’s OK to be the one who says, “Who cares?  Octopuses and squids are both crazy animals, with lots of tentacles, and I’m reasonably certain both shoot ink at their enemies when ambushed, so let’s take that in for a moment and recognize that we’re all floating on a spec of dust in a universe of black space, which in and of itself is super improbable, and let’s further acknowledge that we’ve all hit the jackpot of life with regard to the trillions of possibilities for the arrangement of our atoms, and now let’s settle down for a minute and appreciate that.”

Probably you will lose most of your friends if you talk to them in this way, but sometimes that’s the price of the truth.  Anyway, having the best cheeseburger of your life is not something just anyone can do.  It’s a meal reserved for the strong.

2.  The second step to the best cheeseburger of your life is to plan a backpacking trip.

Backpacking is a sport where you flee into the woods and leave behind everything you can’t carry in a pack, such as your favorite coffee shop and your sense of bodily security.  The main activity of backpacking is to walk up and down over mountains, and you do this activity every day until you are done with the trip.

People eat dehydrated meals on backpacking trips, which are a kind of expensive packaged food available in different flavors that taste like salt.  Also backpackers eat energy bars, which are a type of individually wrapped peanut butter.  So as you can guess, after walking over mountains all day eating salt and peanut butter, you are likely to experience some profound moments of mental clarity.

For example, most backpackers figure out by day 3 that their job is terrible and their marriage needs a real overhaul.  By day 5 it becomes clear that the entire arc of your life is wrong and most of your friends are inauthentic drones.  With these insights under your belt you can imagine how comforting a cheeseburger will taste.  Recent studies prove that backpackers spend 30% of their energy fantasizing about cheeseburgers.

3.  The last step happens once you get back to the car.

Stow your pack and drive around on the hunt for a spot that sells cheeseburgers; this is guaranteed to be the first restaurant you see.  Roll through the front door like the boss of a goldmine, sit down at the rough-hewn table under the bank of TVs, and order the largest cheeseburger on the menu.  Suck in your breath and laugh at the woodland creatures of the mountains that failed to eat you.  Pay no attention to the dead-eyed bartender or to the incessant wheedling of the screens.  You’ve got your cheeseburger now, it is a thing of endless beauty, the first bite hits your mouth in a greasy explosion of sparks that careen through your brain.  Stay in this moment.  Your relationship is a charade, your job sucks, and most of your friends are synthetic and tedious.  None of this matters.  You are having the best cheeseburger of your life.



This concludes the training How to Have the Best Cheeseburger of Your Life.  From the crack team that brought you Shopping With Conflict Diamonds:  We Clarify Our Policies.